Why I'm Not Ready for Another Baby. Part II

If you haven't read part I, do so here


Where did I leave off?


Oh ya, where I had that scary, crazy, insane meltdown in my room.


I contemplated having D call the hospital & tell them we are on our way. There was no way in hell I was going to survive another second in this situation I was in. I was miserable. But, I decided against going to the hospital. You want to know why? Because I didn't want to pay money for the doctors to tell me I was depressed & that I needed to chill. {stupid & illogical I know}


Duh. I knew that. I knew that I needed to give it time. I just had a baby two weeks ago. OF COURSE my life & hormones & feelings were out of whack. So, I talked myself out of the whole hospital situation. Instead, I called my mom. Besides my husband, my mom is my rock.


"I cccc-aaa-nnn-'-tttt d-oooo ttttt-hhhh-isssss" I stuttered to her. "Honey. Take a deep breath. You CAN do this. Your life just changed dramatically & you DO NOT deal well with change." She said calmly. "Where is Claire?" She asked. "Downstairs. With Dall. I don't want anything to do with her. I hate that I feel this way. I don't deserve to be a mother!!" I cried. "Honey, I so know what you are feeling. I went through this with your brother. & you are so brave & strong to be recognizing these feelings so early on. If you need to, go to the hospital. They can help you now." She said. "No." I took a deep breath. Re-evaluated the situation & said "I will be O.K. I am going to try & make it until Monday & call Dr. Barton." "Great idea. Take some deep breaths & try to rest while Dallas is dealing with Claire. I love you. You can do this, Laur. Call me anytime during the night if you need me!"


I hung up with my mom. Sobbed some more & fell asleep. 


...Monday morning came & I put a call into my O.B. The nurse told me to come in A.S.A.P to get another Progesterone shot. She explained that it takes some women 2 or 3 shots to feel better. That just one shot wasn't enough.


So, long story short, I got the damn shot. It made me feel better for approx. 3 hours & I was in the same low place as before.


I called the doc. yet again. In desperation. "I'm on Lexapro. I'm nursing. I'm miserable. WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?!" "Well, unless you stop nursing, we can't prescribe you anything else. Have you considered counseling?" A light bulb went off in my head. Counseling! Of course!


Moments later, I was on the phone with my counselor. The same counselor I went to when I was in high school & suffering from depression. I hadn't seen her since I was 17. But? She remembered me. I cried when I spoke on the phone with her. Big, ugly tears. "I had a cancellation tomorrow morning at 9 am. Please, come in then. Bring Dallas & your sweet baby."


I showed up at 9am. Disheveled & exhausted. We talked. I cried. Claire slept. I cried some more. & we thought of a plan of action. & scheduled 4 more appointments.


I kid you not, after that appointment, I was a whole new woman. I felt a sense of empowerment. That I COULD do this. I COULD make PPD my bitch. I WOULD make PPD my bitch. 


And I did. Over the next few months, I slayed post -partum depression, with the help of more counseling, medication & the support of my family. I became a whole new woman. A whole new mother. I felt love for my daughter unlike anything I had felt before. I had energy like I had never had before.


Because of that plan of action my counselor & I made, because of the support I had from my amazing husband & family, I BEAT PPD. That's not to say I don't still have my days. I definitely do! And I have to be sure to keep an eye out for any signs that it's returning. 


But for now? I have never been happier in my life. I love my daughter more than ANYTHING in this entire world. She amazes me everyday. We have so much fun together & I enjoy watching her grow & learn. 


I am so, so lucky & grateful that while yes, I did struggle hard with PPD, it could have been so much worse. It could have gone on so much longer. I am glad that I was aware of my feelings & nipped it in the bud so early into it. I don't do well with hiding my feelings, which was a good thing in this instance. 


And yes, I love. love. love my kid to the core. But, I'm not ready for more quite yet. Honestly, it scares me to even think about getting pregnant again. I'm sure a few years down the road with be a different story though. 


Plus, I'm totally digging my post pregnancy body. Seriously, pumping is doing wonders for my physique. Ha! Sorry, I had to throw some light-hearted humor in this heart-heavy post ;)


{I wrote & shared my struggle with you all because I felt like I needed to not only do it for me, as part of my healing process, but for other women/mothers out there. Post partum depression {or any depression} seems to be such a taboo subject amongst society & I hate that. 


Motherhood is a HUGE change in one's life. Most women transition into just fine, but there are those of us that fight battles to get to that happy spot. Please, don't hide these feelings if you have them. There is help & support & love.}