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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Why I'm Not Ready for Another Baby. Part II

If you haven't read part I, do so here


Where did I leave off?


Oh ya, where I had that scary, crazy, insane meltdown in my room.


I contemplated having D call the hospital & tell them we are on our way. There was no way in hell I was going to survive another second in this situation I was in. I was miserable. But, I decided against going to the hospital. You want to know why? Because I didn't want to pay money for the doctors to tell me I was depressed & that I needed to chill. {stupid & illogical I know}


Duh. I knew that. I knew that I needed to give it time. I just had a baby two weeks ago. OF COURSE my life & hormones & feelings were out of whack. So, I talked myself out of the whole hospital situation. Instead, I called my mom. Besides my husband, my mom is my rock.


"I cccc-aaa-nnn-'-tttt d-oooo ttttt-hhhh-isssss" I stuttered to her. "Honey. Take a deep breath. You CAN do this. Your life just changed dramatically & you DO NOT deal well with change." She said calmly. "Where is Claire?" She asked. "Downstairs. With Dall. I don't want anything to do with her. I hate that I feel this way. I don't deserve to be a mother!!" I cried. "Honey, I so know what you are feeling. I went through this with your brother. & you are so brave & strong to be recognizing these feelings so early on. If you need to, go to the hospital. They can help you now." She said. "No." I took a deep breath. Re-evaluated the situation & said "I will be O.K. I am going to try & make it until Monday & call Dr. Barton." "Great idea. Take some deep breaths & try to rest while Dallas is dealing with Claire. I love you. You can do this, Laur. Call me anytime during the night if you need me!"


I hung up with my mom. Sobbed some more & fell asleep. 


...Monday morning came & I put a call into my O.B. The nurse told me to come in A.S.A.P to get another Progesterone shot. She explained that it takes some women 2 or 3 shots to feel better. That just one shot wasn't enough.


So, long story short, I got the damn shot. It made me feel better for approx. 3 hours & I was in the same low place as before.


I called the doc. yet again. In desperation. "I'm on Lexapro. I'm nursing. I'm miserable. WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?!" "Well, unless you stop nursing, we can't prescribe you anything else. Have you considered counseling?" A light bulb went off in my head. Counseling! Of course!


Moments later, I was on the phone with my counselor. The same counselor I went to when I was in high school & suffering from depression. I hadn't seen her since I was 17. But? She remembered me. I cried when I spoke on the phone with her. Big, ugly tears. "I had a cancellation tomorrow morning at 9 am. Please, come in then. Bring Dallas & your sweet baby."


I showed up at 9am. Disheveled & exhausted. We talked. I cried. Claire slept. I cried some more. & we thought of a plan of action. & scheduled 4 more appointments.


I kid you not, after that appointment, I was a whole new woman. I felt a sense of empowerment. That I COULD do this. I COULD make PPD my bitch. I WOULD make PPD my bitch. 


And I did. Over the next few months, I slayed post -partum depression, with the help of more counseling, medication & the support of my family. I became a whole new woman. A whole new mother. I felt love for my daughter unlike anything I had felt before. I had energy like I had never had before.


Because of that plan of action my counselor & I made, because of the support I had from my amazing husband & family, I BEAT PPD. That's not to say I don't still have my days. I definitely do! And I have to be sure to keep an eye out for any signs that it's returning. 


But for now? I have never been happier in my life. I love my daughter more than ANYTHING in this entire world. She amazes me everyday. We have so much fun together & I enjoy watching her grow & learn. 


I am so, so lucky & grateful that while yes, I did struggle hard with PPD, it could have been so much worse. It could have gone on so much longer. I am glad that I was aware of my feelings & nipped it in the bud so early into it. I don't do well with hiding my feelings, which was a good thing in this instance. 


And yes, I love. love. love my kid to the core. But, I'm not ready for more quite yet. Honestly, it scares me to even think about getting pregnant again. I'm sure a few years down the road with be a different story though. 


Plus, I'm totally digging my post pregnancy body. Seriously, pumping is doing wonders for my physique. Ha! Sorry, I had to throw some light-hearted humor in this heart-heavy post ;)


{I wrote & shared my struggle with you all because I felt like I needed to not only do it for me, as part of my healing process, but for other women/mothers out there. Post partum depression {or any depression} seems to be such a taboo subject amongst society & I hate that. 


Motherhood is a HUGE change in one's life. Most women transition into just fine, but there are those of us that fight battles to get to that happy spot. Please, don't hide these feelings if you have them. There is help & support & love.}

19 comments:

  1. Laura, I'm so so glad you wrote this! While I didn't go those feelings with my Lily, I did experience some PPD with my 1st baby many years ago.

    This post (and the 1st) brought tears to my eyes beginning with your call with your mom... My mom is also irreplaceable in my life and now having children of my own, I finally understand that kind of love.

    You're an honest, amazing woman and mother. Give yourself the credit you deserve! I always enjoy reading your posts because they are authentic and evoke emotion.

    Yay for you mama!
    xoxox

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  2. Glad there was a happy ending :) So proud of you and so glad you wrote this!!!

    tonsandtonsandtons of hugs!!

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm 20 and have struggled with depression and I worry that when i get pregnant and have a baby that I will go through this too. Its amazing that you saw the signs and conquered it.

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  4. You are an amazingly strong woman to put this out there. Unfortunately it is still taboo and some people think it is horrible to say things like not wanting more babies or not loving the ones you have--- but it was not you--- it was the PPD and that needs to be recognized. I admire you for your courage to seek treatment, to reach for help, to be prepared before giving birth (knowing your own history) and for speaking out about this. It is mommas like you who will change that taboo!

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  5. High FIVE, girl! That's so awesome that counseling worked so well. So happy for you & inspired that you kept trying until something worked!

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  6. I'm so proud of you... you are an amazing mommy & I cannot wait to see you in less than 3 months! I can't imagine going through that & you talking about it will no doubt help someone out there who is reading it right now.

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  7. You are so strong! & the fact that you dealt with it right away and knew what was going on is soooooooooooo important. This will definitely be an inspiration to others going through the same thing. You go girl!

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  8. Thanks for sharing! I'm sure you writing this on here will help someone out a whole bunch!! Claire is lucky to have such a great mommy!

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  9. Thank you for sharing this. I did not go throw this but there is someone out there who has and is feeling alone. I am sure you are going to help a lot of mommies dealing with this!

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  10. Love you mama! You are amazing- thanks for sharing your struggle- Claire is so lucky to have a mom that understand her emotions and is willing to take action right away- it'll only help her as she grows up- you are a great role model for her.

    Hugs,
    Erin

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  11. Thanks again for being so honest! I am glad that life is normal again for you! I can tell by your posts you are happy & a wonderful wife & mother!!

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  12. Thanks for sharing! And way to go, girl!! It's nice to see more women openly talking about PPD.

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  13. Proud of you for sharing this. As your blog grows (and seriously woman, like 10 new followers every time I click over!) you are going to have more backlash to these posts. As you and I both know. So I understand that this was hard for you to write and open up about. You are a beautiful, kind woman and mother. Your little girl is so lucky to have someone who fought so hard to be with her as a healthy mom.

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  14. Thank you for sharing this! It has help us out tremendously!

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  15. I was so happy to come back and read the second part of your story. You are awesome. Even more so for sharing your story so publicly to help you AND others.

    Glad you are back on track girly!

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  16. You go girl! :) So proud of you. Keep it up, and maybe one day, you will be ready.

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  17. thanks for sharing your story and i'm proud of you for overcoming this!

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  18. Thank you so much for being honest about this often taboo subject. I was miserable after my daughter was born and was in a fog for the first 2 months of her life. It didn't help that breastfeeding was a nightmare, and I had some serious tearing and injuries to the, ahem, birthing area which meant that the recovery took MONTHS. I didn't think it was PPD at the time, but while I was talking to a friend about it, she pointed out that those are classic signs of depression and my body might have also gone into a form of shock due to the traumatic birth. I remember telling my mom that I was done having babies because that was such a horrible experience when my dd was a few months old. But when my daughter was around a year and a half, the baby fever hit me again, and I got pregnant with my son. And the experience was SO completely different and better with him. Even though he was very colicky, I had no problems with depression this time around and actually enjoyed my baby. So there is hope...not every birth will be the same.

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  19. One more thing....I've noticed that a lot of the women who've dealt with PPD have it with their first child. Personally, the transition from life being about me to being about a very needy newborn was horribly HARD. I don't think this is selfishness, it's just a HUGE sudden change. I feel that there may be a connection between that and PPD.

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