The Real Deal.

*Disclaimer- I am not writing this post to fish for pity. I'm writing to be open & honest about how I'm feeling & hopefully others may relate*

I've been debating for a while whether or not to write about this topic. I mean, it's not that I'm ashamed of it (anymore); it's just simply the fact that I know there are Judgy McJudgersons out there that could rip into me for writing about this-or maybe not. I'll take my chances.

Look, I really try to keep this blog a happy outlet for me & readers & try not to have too many negative things to write/whine about. But, my life isn't all puppies & rainbows & therefore this blog shouldn't be either. I want this blog to reflect my real life & not a fantasy-every body's- always- happy- life. So, with the suggestion & encouragement from my husband, I'm going to bring some difficult reality to this post...

Depression. I really hate that label/word. Unfortunately, it has been a letter in my vocabulary since I was a mere 12 years old. I remember the day I got diagnosed with it so vividly.

My best friend had just moved to a different state & for weeks following that huge event (remember, I was 12 people), I spiraled into a black hole. I cried. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't leave my room for days on end. Finally, my mom had enough & took me to my doctor who decided I had depression & from that day on, I have been on anti-depressants.

It was something that I was so ashamed of, you guys. I didn't want to have to take a pill to make me happy & keep my emotions in check. But, that's the way it had to be.

Unfortunately, the big diagnoses was not a big surprise to my mom. Depression runs on both sides of my family. My dad is on anti-depressants, my mom, my sister & my brother. We all suffer from different levels of it. I actually think my mom & I have it the worst. We've spiraled into black holes more than once, been to therapists, tried different medications & so on.

I think when I was in high school was when I found just the right medication & dosage for me. Boy, was that a victory. It feels so good to find just the right medication that doesn't make you feel like you're going crazy. Needless to say, I've been on the same medication since.

Last August, when my husband & I decided to think about trying for a baby; I had the idea to try & wien off of my Lexapro. I knew that I didn't want to go off anti-depressants completely since that would not end well, so I decided to try & switch to Zoloft (a pregnancy safe anti-depressant). The first few days weren't so bad, but when the new medication got in my system, I spiraled, yet again; into a very deep, dark hole that I didn't think I would ever come out of.

I missed a week of work, a week of sleep, a week of eating- a week of my life. I was miserable. My mom had to come over & be with me while my husband was at work because I wasn't to be alone. I wanted to die. No, I never tried to commit suicide, I just wanted to disappear from the world. I didn't want to deal with my problems. I felt like a freak & I felt my husband & family thought I was too.

That week felt like years & that next Monday, I made an appointment with my O.B. & I'm so glad I did. I told him we wanted to try for a baby & asked him about my depression. He immediately told me not go change medications or try to stop taking them. With his suggestion, I was to remain on Lexapro when I did become pregnant. He felt the risks of me not being on that pill were greater than me being on it while pregnant. So, that's what I did & am still taking it. I know this is a debatable topic, but it's what is right for me.

Up until recently, I have felt that my Lexapro is still working. But within the past few weeks, I have been a basket case. Crying, feeling anxious, feeling guilty & clingy (all symptoms of depression). But, is is really my depression rearing it's ugly head back in? Or is it simply raging hormones from being pregnant & miserable. I don't know, but I don't like it. It scares me. If I'm like this now, how in the world am I going to be when my baby comes? Worse? Better? The same? The whole reason of staying of anti-depressants while pregnant is to lower my chances of getting PPD (post-partum depression). I am SCARED SHITLESS that I am going to have this. I can't fathom being in a black hole WITH A BABY.

I know the best thing to do, obviously, is to voice my concerns with my doctor (which I will), I just wanted to put all of this out there to share & hopefully find that there ARE other women dealing with this & that I'm not the only one feeling scared.

Depression is not something to mess with nor be ashamed of. All through school, I hid the fact that I was taking a pill to essentially make me happy. But since then, I've come to a realization that depression can affect anyone & it's just a natural chemical imbalance that causes it. There is nothing I can do about the fact that I have it. But I can control how I handle it. & that is why I am taking that one pill. For me. For my baby.

Thank God I have an amazing supportive husband who has lived through this with me since I was 15. He knows the struggles I have & makes sure I take my medication everyday & is always there when I'm feeling blue & to catch my tears (which is a lot lately). I really do have an amazing support system & do not know where I would be without them.

I'm sorry this post is INSANELY LONG but I feel much better putting it all out there. I am on anti-depressants & am not ashamed. There. I said it. I just hope it stays away from me when my baby arrives.